My last 2 weeks have been a bit rough:
first there was an insurance issue I am still dealing with because my employer failed to submit relevant information on time. Payment will be effective only after employer submits correct information.
Then my employer claimed that someone had seen me using my cell phone while at work (theoretically, that’s not allowed, but everyone checks the time now and then, and normally it doesn’t affect the quality of the work). They claimed this happened eight weeks ago. I simply replied that I couldn’t remember anything like that.
This week I received a ticket from the transportation authority, where they claim I boarded a ship without a valid ticket, something I am appealing. I’ve never done this before but my friends are helping me. It’s not so much about the amount as it is about the feeling of being trampled on. I even showed the employee a copy of my ticket I had on my phone with my whole name, address and price I paid, but he ignored it. I already sent my side of the story to the authority and I’m waiting for an answer.
The thought of being forced to pay for a ticket I paid and showed as a copy of weighs heavily on me. I know I shouldn’t give it more importance that it deserves, but they way that employee treated me, the employee ignoring me, my explanations and the copy I had on my phone gives me an eerie feeling of injustice, that something is broken. I’ve been using that boat for 5 years and never had such an issue before.
If you are more resilient than me, how? I feel lost and as much as I’d like to forget about it I flash back to it, I cannot concentrate and I’m not sleeping very well.
I’d like to be stronger but I’m not.
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Have you tried beer?
I’m half-joking.
OP being totally honest, it sounds like you need a new job. That’s two ridiculous strikes that make me wonder what else sucks at that job. After moving to a job in a professional and respectful atmosphere, I cant imagine ever wanting to go back to my old work that also used to do stress inducing things like what you mentioned. My anxiety levels went way down after finding a job that is a better fit for me.
Aside from that, on things like the ferry ticket just dig in. You have your copy of your ticket, screw that employee and who knows what they had going on, but youre in the right and this must be some sort of mistake. Take each day as it comes and try not to let it get you down by staying busy. Do you have time to indulge in hobbies or hang out with friends? I suggest you find something casual like a board gaming group if not so you have something to look forward to and interact with other people in each week. Volunteering is also good.
Last thing. You are anxious right now. This sounds dumb, but spend some time thinking of what you want your life to look like. Im talking down to the detail. Do you like where you live? Your salary? Your current physique? Do you want a pet?
Get crystal clear on your goals so you can picture them. You are far more likely to take action and achieve changes when you’ve spent the time to clarify what they are instead of just saying, “I am anxious and life is a lot for me.” I used to be that person. I still an sometimes depending on what life is tossing my way. But after changing my surroundings and the people I hang out with to uplifting folks, I am miles and away much more peaceful than I ever was before.
Good luck, you’ve got this.
I’ve done some cbt and found that it’s worth asking what the worst realistic outcome and most likely outcome are. If the worst is bearable I accept i can get through it. Regardless I then focus on what I can do that can help my situation and accept if I can’t. If I’m possibly fucked snd helpless it sucks, but it’s easier knowing that that’s the case, but usually neither is true. Most of the time I can bear it and improve things.
I have had seven heart attacks. I am currently on dialysis. I’m 51 years old. The chances of me seeing 60 60 seem pretty slim to me right now. Oh and I’m a wheelchair user because after getting an amputation 3 years ago I have not been able to walk since. I can transfer and I can drive myself to places but I don’t go anywhere because I have absolutely no energy to go anywhere. Literally when I try and stand up and do anything, you know that feeling you get when you’re like. If I just sit here for a couple more minutes I’ll have energy to do what I need to do? Yeah, I never get that energy. I always have to fight myself to stand up and do anything at all.
Having said that, the way I approach life is simple. I try not to waste time on things that have happened in the past, because I can no longer change those things. The past is the past and it is what it is.
I try and plan ahead for the future, but I don’t worry about the future because it’s not here yet. But more on that in the moment
What I do focus on is taking every single day as it comes. Every single moment as it comes. Because that’s what I have.
I can’t do anything about the future yet. I certainly can’t do anything about the past. I can only affect the present. And if I spend all of my time in the present worrying about the past and the future, I waste the present and that means that my past is full of me worrying about everything and not getting anything done.
If you’ve done everything you could do about the things that are going on in your life, no additional good comes from worrying about the things that haven’t happened yet. Have you prepared for the future as best as you can? Then sit back and relax and let it come. You’ve done whatever you can.
I’m not going to be this amazing person. That’ll be remembered forever when I die. I’m going to be one of the countless nameless people that might be remembered by a few people but not for long
So what do I live for? When I go places I like making people smile and laugh when I can. I like holding the door open for somebody. I especially like holding the door open in my wheelchair because that blows people’s brains wows and breaks their brains. And I have to laugh as I’m going but but but what? You can’t hold the door for me, here at a wheelchair. And I giggle it them and tell them that it’s one of the things I enjoy doing the most.
I try and brighten people’s day if I can. And if I can’t, I don’t worry about it too much. Thanks
I spend time on the internet browsing. I get involved in arguments far more than I should. I keep trying to get better about that. If somebody is going to be bone-headed and wrong in the internet, it’s not my responsibility to educate them. Just let it go man.
Realize what’s important to you. Work on the things that are reported to you.
10 years from now, of all these things that you’re facing, what are you going to think about 10 years from now? Work on those things. And don’t sweat the rest as much.
You know, as a teenager, we all think everyone spends their time thinking about us. And hopefully when we’re an adult, we realized that really, nobody gave a fuck. Nobody really paid attention to us. Not in the way that we thought everyone was looking at us. In the same way, these things that seem so looming and large to you now will not in a few years. So don’t worry about them.
Take them seriously, do what you can about them, and then let it go. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Affect it positively however you can and then let it go man.
I always look for a couple of options so I can try to feel in control:
- actively fix the problem
- feel better about the problem, check the facts and regulate emotions
- accept the problem and how you feel about it
- do nothing and keep feeling what you feel
if you like to worry about stuff do it on a schedule
worry about it on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon
Have you tried not having any diseases that attack your nervous system?
I once wrote a comic where one of the characters was my own anxiety.
The artwork was a skeleton, and the joke was he NEVER shut up. He would always fill the whole speech bubble, and then the whole panel. He would rant and rant until he crowded out everyone and everything else - and the other characters would have to literally talk OVER him.
The rub was - in order to write him, I had to ask myself what made me anxious. There was never enough to fill a whole panel. Ultimately, our anxiety is so small in scope its maybe enough for just a sentence…
By externalizing him, I gave him a format. By interviewing him, I gave him a voice. By making a joke out of him, I neutered him. And by serializing him, I made this process into a practice.
After practicing it - Axiety can no longer sneek up on me; he can no longer take over the conversation or steer my actions.
Anxiety becomes just a voice.
Just a voice, one that wants to keep the rest of me safe. And when he won’t shut up - I draw up a new cartoon, and marvel at how loud the fucker can be when he ultimately has so little to say.
In life you always have open side quests, if you didn’t do bad, nothing will happen, you just have to appeal.
Make a list of the issues and track them every 2 days, but don’t think bout them in between checks, you can use a note taking app for the “open quest”.
I have no idea if this is helpful or not (and sorry if it isn’t) but I generally tend to approach things as like:
Can I do anything about it right now?
If YES —> Do the thing ----> Don’t worry about it.
If NO ----> There’s nothing to do ----> Don’t worry about it.
Obviously that’s super simplified and doesn’t apply to everything, but I find it helps to just sift out the small-medium sized annoyances.
So for example with your boat ticket:
If you have proof you paid ----> Send proof -----> Nothing more to do.
Could they reject it anyway? ----> Maybe but you can’t control that -----> Nothing more to do.
And then if they do reject it, you can start the loop again from there, which I guess would either be escalate or just let it go etc.
These situations objectively suck. One thing that’s stuck with me is asking: will this still matter in 10 years?
It doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to deal with it, but it does mean “this, too, shall pass”, and you’ll still be okay on the other side of it.
I’ve found that “sticking up for myself” is a less motivating reasoning than, “Stick it to the assholes that probably do this shit to others too.” I can be passionate about helping victims very easily and help myself at the same time. The anxiety is predominantly caused by feeling wronged and like you’re not worth the solution. It’s extremely similar to depression, just with less perceived control. Similarly your self esteem is lowered and it can feed into the circle and spiral downward. If you position the actions against it as someone else’s benefit then there is no self esteem required and the circle is broken… at least for me, someone with chronic depression and anxiety later in life.
Ask them how they got it wrong. Request a policy change that would address it. If it’s public, foia their process on your ticket and resolution.
To be clear, I don’t mean be a Karen, but more just to insist that it’s a problem worth solving and that the solution should be making it impossible in the future, as broadly as possible.
As an example my car came back from an alignment/inspection and they only finger tightened all 20 lugnuts when they returned it. I called and refused to identify the employee or car, but requested a policy change to make that absolutely impossible to happen again. The manager was distraught and very serious, so I didn’t want to ruin someone’s life on something they could definitely learn to do better on. At the same time, someone else’s life could be ruined. For my own solution I’d just check it before driving every time work is done in the future but that doesn’t really help anyone else.
I don’t know, I’m dangerously close to a breakdown as it is. I used to tame anxiety by talking myself out of it logically, but now there are legitimate reasons for extreme anxiety and I’m not coping well. All I can offer you is internet hugs, hope we all get through what’s coming in one piece.
If you are more resilient than me, how?
It is what it is…
Doesn’t mean it’s right, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to fix shit.
Just an acknowledgement that right now, in this moment, it just is what it is and you have to deal.
It honestly sounds stupid and dismissive, but if you sit and think about it, it’s a valid coping strategy and reminder that sometimes people are just in a shitty situation and they have to deal with it.
Right now that person is you, and it sucks.
Later the situation might not be fucked, or you might not be the one in that situation at least.
But right now it sucks, and you have to deal. People have gotten thru a lot worse and you’ll get thru this too, there’s not really another option besides crashing out, and that doesn’t solve much
It is what it is.
Working out, eating healthier, regular bedtime/sleep, reading a good book and less screen time help. Dialing down alcohol, caffeine and weed. Watching a few intro to cognitive behavioral therapy videos helps too. You’re probably ruminating. Developing the correct language to name your cognitive distortions, and being able to understand that just because you feel an emotion doesn’t mean that’s how things really happened helps.
That being said it sounds like you’re going through some rough stuff. Hang in there.
I was actually mad at how much working out helped my anxiety. Even a brisk 20 min walk helps.
Qué Será, Será
