01:15 (AM that is, but using 24 hour time format doesn’t need AM/PM) here… zero sleep, listening to a bunch of depression music… :/

Living with family (family of origin, that is) but half of my family members are away… especialy mom…

You only learn to appreciate someone¹ once they’re gone… this time for 30 days… one day its gonna be forever… 🥺 (¹mom that is, Idk how to feel about older brother, still haven’t fixed the broken relationship since those series of fights about 7-9 years ago… )

Mom’s so busy with my brother’s marriage plans, haven’t have much time to talk to me. Idk what to even say on the phone… I just wanna hear her voice… I kinda have a panic attach if i don’t hear her voice or if she takes too long to respond…

I’m just feeling very suicidal rn

  • NABDad@lemmy.worldEnglish
    24·
    1 day ago

    My dad died on May 3rd.

    My wife and I were at my parents’ house visiting the day before because our (me & my dad) birthdays were coming up. Mine was the 4th, his was the 5th. He would have been 88.

    The joke has always been that I was my dad’s birthday present. Now my birthday is sandwiched between the day he was born and the day he died.

    I’ve got 5 days of bereavement leave from work, so I’ve been helping my mom. My brother and I took her to the funeral home on the 4th, and my sister and I took her to arrange for food for after the funeral on the 5th.

    Their dog is getting seriously upset, so we’re going to take her to the funeral home on Friday to see him. I’m hoping that will be enough for her to understand.

    I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, but I also wouldn’t say I’ve come to terms with it. When I have time to stop and just think, I can’t organize my thoughts. I can’t get to sleep at night.

    Many years ago, when my maternal grandfather died, my mom told me that no matter how old you are, when your parent dies, you feel like an orphan. I think I understand that now. I’m 56, but I feel untethered.

    • AnarchistArtificer@slrpnk.netEnglish
      4·
      14 hours ago

      I’m sorry for your loss.

      I’m going to share with you a sentiment that I don’t imagine you’ll be able to fully process right now, when everything is still so raw and jumbled, but I hope that in time, it might offer you some comfort, as it did for me.

      When I lost my partner back in 2021, it made me think a lot about legacy — in particular, the fact that deciding a person’s legacy is a task that falls to the people who are left behind. On the days where the grief hurts particularly badly, this idea helps me to stay focussed on the duty I feel to carry my partner’s memory forwards, through embodying his virtues and learning from his flaws. It’s a heavy burden, but one I’m glad to carry.

      It’s okay if thinking this way is too much for you right now, especially as you have so much on your plate in terms of logistics. I just wanted to share this with you because what you said about your dad’s birthday touched me. Your next few birthdays are going to be pretty rough, but I hope that in time, you’ll be able to remember the joke about how you’re your dad’s birthday present in a way that’ll still hurt, but in a warm, loving way that inspires you to continue making your dad proud. He might be gone, but you’ll always be his birthday present — a birthday present that will continue to become even better as you continue to learn and grow.

      I’ve never lost a parent before, but I relate to what you describe about feeling untethered. That’s another part of why I commented. My partner used to be one of the tethers connecting me to the world, and losing him meant I needed to find new ways to anchor myself so that I could be the tether that holds his memory here. It’s disorienting and exhausting and the worst part is that when you feel like you’re beginning to adjust, another wave of grief will hit you when you’re least expecting it. Grief doesn’t happen all at once, nor does it follow a predictable path. Be kind to yourself over the coming weeks and months.

      Good luck with taking the dog to the funeral home on Friday, and good luck with supporting other members of your family too. I hope that the funeral logistics go smoothly enough that you are able to find some time to begin the long process of reorienting yourself. And please don’t feel the need to reply to this comment if you don’t have the brain space for that. God knows you’ve got enough obligations on your plate